Can Compliments Ever be Bad?

By: Katie Ginsburg, Teaching Woman and Team Leader

When someone tells me they love my shoes, my hair, or my nail polish, it makes me feel good.  It could be just what I need to feel better on a bad day.  Of course it’s nice to get affirmations, but if they just stay on the surface do they do good in the long run?

It’s very natural for us to notice how people around us look.  Appearances give us immediate clues that something has changed about an old friend, or that we have something in common with a new one.  Lisa Bloom in “How to Talk to Little Girls”  says, “teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23.”  Can compliments really reinforce these behaviors?

If a girl is used to hearing how great she looks, it is easy to make it a goal in order to receive more praise – whether this is conscious or not.  Let me ask this – how many girls have been greeted by a family member or friend with, “you look great, did you lose weight?” How many times is this followed by a conversation on healthy eating and exercise habits?  The initial comment without any follow-up can in fact reinforce self-damaging behaviors. 

Since starting Girls’ LEAP, I feel powerful.  So why haven’t I heard, “you seem so strong and confident, I’m proud of you for participating in Girls’ LEAP” from anyone?  I want those around me to notice this change in me, and it’s disappointing to continue having this overshadowed by my new workout leggings.

So how can we change this?  I would recommend Lisa Bloom's advice– lead by example and give more non appearance-based feedback.  Every interaction we have a youth is important.  We must reinforce that it is not what we look like solely determines the kind of person we are.