By: Kristen Cuneo, Girls' LEAP Self-Defense Lead Teacher and Teen Mentor Program Manager
I was on the Boston green line last week and because it was later in the afternoon, the T was starting to get a little packed. And so, passengers began entering that “other people’s personal space” zone. By encroaching on someone else’s physical space, you automatically get entered into their conversations, whether you like it or not.
I was lucky enough to be sucked into a conversation taking place between two late teenage girls. They were having a lively conversation, filled with cackles and giggles, about how one of the girls smacked her 4-year old sister and threw her across the room because she was getting on her nerves.
At certain points, I wasn’t sure if the nausea that I was experiencing was due to the motion of the swaying train car, or the lewd behavior and attitude of the girl and her friend.
After several minutes of describing the conflict in grotesque detail, including her sister’s tears and cries for sympathy (which were met with shouting), the girl quietly mentioned that she felt badly, and that she had not thought about what she was doing in the moment. Her friend, uncertain of how to receive this moment of vulnerability, did not respond. After not receiving any support or empathy for this disclosure of conscience, the girl reverted back to her original form.
I teach self-defense for a living: setting boundaries, teaching how to deal with conflict, anger and relationships. I LOVE teachable moments; helping people expand their perspectives and support them in moments of growth. I was appalled by this girl’s behavior and response. But in the moment, I felt like I couldn’t say or do anything. Or could I have?
Upon further reflection, I feel like I made the safest choice in the situation. The girl was getting pretty ramped up talking about the conflict, and I felt if I had interjected, things could have escalated easily (for an example of zero-to-boiling on a bus, see the video below.) In the moment, I had the courage to act, but I didn’t feel safe. The friend may have felt safe (enough to act), but clearly didn’t have the courage to do so.
As a friend, a peer, a family member, a co-worker, it is within your grasp to stand up against things you think are wrong. Acts or depictions of violence are NOT normal, despite how society has begun to numb us with the war, aggression and conflict we see in movies, on ‘reality’ (and fiction) TV and video games. In situations where you feel safe enough to act, but may not have the courage to act, hold yourself accountable to the potential you have to positively impact a situation.
The more people around in a situation, the less likely anyone is to do anything about it – a social phenomenon called, ‘the Bystander Effect.’ But this phenomenon does NOT justify inaction. If a friend, family member or co-worker shares something you feel isn’t right, YOU have the power to influence them. Take advantage of those situations, and feel good about the positive impact you can have on that friend, a train car-full of passengers and your entire community.
