Sabeta on Healthy Relationships

The first time that I realized that I was in an unhealthy relationship, I was a sophomore in college.  I was “supposed” to know better right?  I was “supposed” to see the signs and get out.  However, when I thought of an unhealthy relationship, I thought, well he is not beating me, yelling or screaming at me.  He doesn’t try to control me in anyway.  So, what is the problem?  Why is my relationship not working out the why it should?  I was convinced that whatever the problem was, I could fix it.  I worked so hard on making him want to spend time with me.  I worked on trying to communicate with him.  But it just did not seem like he wanted it as much as I did.


The first few months we were together it was wonderful.  He would visit me on campus just to see me to spend some quality time together, or we would talk on the phone for ever if we could not see each other.  But after awhile, it just seemed like at some point he stopped caring, and I didn’t.  Then the relationship became a roller coaster because I would get frustrated and break up with him, and then he would beg and beg for us to get back together and I would give in, but of course, the changes that he promised to make would never be permanent.  This cycle continued for almost a year, and soon it became a normal occurrence in my life.


Then one day, I realized that I was wasting my time with this person.  I was not receiving the kind of time, and effort from him that I was putting in.  He was not respecting me as his partner and just common respect in general seemed to be nowhere to be found when it came to his interactions with me.  It became clear to me that he was not worth my time any longer, and that the situation was so unhealthy, and I needed to stop the cycle and get out.  It was not easy and it was a very long process that took a year and a half to fully get this person out of my life. 


After being drama free and in a space where I felt that I was strong enough to be able to move on without him, he reappeared and wore me down and he seemed to be the person that stole my heart years before.  I felt weak again.  However, I was able to get away from him and the situation more recently and I know it was because of the lessons that I have learned from Girls’ LEAP.  I was able to express myself to him, and to use my voice to clearly state what I needed him to do in order for me to live my life in peace.  I was able to set boundaries, and let him know that the situation between us was never going to get better.  That he was never going to change how I needed him to, and that I was tired.  I let him know that I needed to move on and that he needed to do so as well.


Dealing with this situation, definitely put unhealthy relationships into a new perspective for me.  I realized that I never wanted to admit that my relationship could be classified and labeled in such a manner, but the truth is that it needed to be.  I have grown though, my past does not define me, but it has helped me define the type of relationships I need and want, and clarified the things that I am not willing to compromise any longer.  If I do not feel that my interaction with someone is a healthy one, I am more confident in acknowledging it and moving on from it.